new youtube video

Don't vote

"if it's free I can't fuckin' afford it..."

cold and waiting

I am sitting outside at San Francisco State University waiting for my 1:30 doctors appointment. Waiting to have confirmed what I already know. Waiting is only made worse by the chill outside. I want to scream and cry. Pull at my flesh and hug the pain away from the hole that is emptying within me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have loved ones around me. People that I know are here for me at times like this. Thank you, I love you.

lullaby for baby

Teardrop Teardrop

Stupid but still funny

This dude is also in Flight of the Conchords... the brainless best friend with a slightly confused vocabulary and an atrocious understanding of all things simple.
Arj and Poopy: Experimentation

002

Getting what you want
comes easy, when you're easy
Keeping it and holding tight
presents the true challenge

A cyclical dance
proceeds
I strut
seemingly ambivalent
You notice and advance

You challenge me
I beat you
in a game of pool
and you take it in stride
Paying me compliments
and for my drinks

You touch my arm
tracing your fingers along
the seagoat caught in waves
I let you grab my calf
and your hand slides under
my skirt

I know I want to
Take you home
But tomorrow will be
the same dance
with a different person

Getting what you want
is not so easy

Time to return

I've been away too long. Not physically gone. My mentality, and self-gratifying behaviors, have kept me far away from the person that I am. I haven't been myself at all recently and it has to stop. After going through my break-up with Jeannine I was forced to sit with myself and realize some hard truths that I hadn't yet acknowledged. We were kids when we first got together, and we grew into adults together. During that time I spent most of my time doing things for others. Specifically I cared and nurtured Jeannine and completely neglected myself. And now being alone has made me realize that I cannot stand being by myself. I can't sit in an empty house. I loose all motivation, I hate myself, and I spiral into a mind-frame where I think I am worthless. I know I'm better than that, but I have a hard time seeing myself as anything better. It's like you can understand
that chocolate tastes good but you can't really know it until you've tasted it. I haven't tasted it yet.

So I started going out every night to avoid being with my thoughts. In going out I started receiving attention from men. Something I had never experienced. In their attraction to me for that moment I felt attractive. I don't think of myself as an attractive or desirable person so the advances made me feel good and I didn't know what to do with myself. I still don't, but I do know that giving in to those temptations and having sex knowing it was unlikely to be leading to anything more meaningful was much more harmful to myself (and now I realize, to others) and I can't keep down this path. I've been self-destructive, and careless with the people that lay in my path. I never want to hurt anyone. I'm not that vindictive or selfish girl. But I have been selfish recently. I've been in a very strange place. I have done things I never thought I would do. And I lost myself in the process.

But I want to repair the damage. The damage in myself and any damage done to people around me that I care deeply about. I will be awol for a bit. I need to gather myself together and mend my mind. I'm a mess, and there's so much cleaning to be done. I've made a real mess of things recently. I'm sorry.

Pics from Back Room Live @ Pegasus

I went to see some friends and acquaintances read their poetry at Pegasus on Shattuck in Berkeley. I am always apprehensive going to things like this. I don't know a lot about poetry, only how it makes me feel. Will I like it? If I don't, how honest should I be. I would want to know if someone didn't like my work but I'm learning that my penchant for honesty confuses other people. So just because I would want to know something does not make me immediately think that another would appreciate the same. Lucky for me, after shaking some nerves and insecurities about being an impostor at a poetry reading, I found it to be a really fun event. The readings were touching, funny, offensive, charmed, and emotional. There really aren't enough adjectives to describe it, which is why there are poems in the first place. I took some pictures during the readings. The lighting, however, was terrible. So I slowed the shutter, set the ISO to 800, steadied my aim, focused and fired. So I apologize for any blur or graininess in these images. But overall the lighting is romantic and befitting a poetry reading. I uploaded the images to my flickr page... so rather than uploading them to multiple places online if you care to view the pictures go to http://www.flickr.com/photos/makeascenephotography/

feel free to download the images and use them any way you would like. especially if you were one of the readers. If you don't care for the images I won't be offended either.

# 001

Whisky spilled on chester drawers
sickly sweet
noxiously fragrant
greasy hand-prints mar the wall
and blood stains the sheets in
angry smears

reckless passions made evident
with condoms discarded on the floor
kicked under the bed
and forgotten
until ants begin to swarm.

An ode to my new favorite comic artist

I first found Adam "apelad" Koford on flickr while doing a search for graphic artists. I saw right away that he had quite the following and I immediately jumped on that hobo train. I fell in love with his hobo-kittehs and check back constantly with his blog, hobotopia, for any new work. But there tends to be more activity on his flickr account, where his fans (who at times seem more like a family) are free to comment back and forth with him about the catoon.

This is just one example:



And you can catch the controversy surrounding these cartoons here

Stop licking the turtles (warning: read no further if you are easily offended or are made to feel oogie when reading about vomit or bile, 'nough said)

That was the advice a good friend gave me today. I am suffering day five of what appears to be food poisoning. Most cases of food poisoning tend to clear up within 48 hours. Projectile vomiting ceased on day three but the bowel cascades have endured well beyond the two day expectations and last night I actually dreamt of having a solid b.m. Oh, if it were only the truth.

I suspect it is salmonella poisoning due to the symptoms and the duration. My roomie, Dr. Victoria, diagnosed it as such and gave me the aforementioned advice. Apparently my favorite past-time of licking amphibians and reptiles is a health risk. Thus, it has to end. Seriously, though, she spent a year in Africa and worked with, and treated, children suffering from salmonella poisoning. I trust her opinion. She even sang me a song in French, to the tune of "Frère Jacques". Only this song is about diarrhea, and mixing together a treatment of water, sugar, and salt. The only word I recognized was sugar. Go figure. I love her bedside manner... if only I could get her to wear the nurse uniform. But I digress.

Really not much else to say. Other than I am sick of saltine crackers and sprite. Jeannine was a great friend and ran errands for me twice this week. First to get me saltines and sprite (and baby wipes, thank gawd), and then again for gatorade and other sustenance beyond soda crackers.

I won't say where I think I got salmonella. I like this place too much. But just beware, and be careful. Realize that you really can get sick anywhere, and from any type of food. I don't even eat chicken... but a salad might be prepared next to raw chicken. Enough, I'm tired.

That's how I roll

It would appear that Madonna and I have similar methods for cleaning...



Madonna's actual message to youtube (makes the above video much funnier):



"4 Minutes" music video:

Lithium Picnic

Years ago I came across this alternative pin-up/porn site that featured women rockin' the tats and body mods. I thought it was the best thing since swing-sets. And then I learned about the creator's business practices and how the women and photographers were being held to outrageous contracts. I quickly realized that I have a hard time enjoying sexy pictures of naked girls that are being treated poorly by the people that are posting those pictures. I felt oogie and dirty and angry about the whole scene.

One of the photographers that was being professionally raped is Lithium Picnic. He was the best photographer on the site (I won't link or mention the actual site because I don't want to send any traffic to them... if you are curious, you're on the internet, figure it out).

His wife Apnea was a model for the site for a long time and left before the outrageous contracts were implemented. She created her own alt site and, being her husband, Lithium Picnic helped her to set up the site. This quickly led to his being forced off the other site and he is now being sued for a breach in contract. Now there's a movement in support of both Lithium Picnic and Apnea. I say, everyone should jump on that train. Visit their sites, enjoy their work, and if at all possible give them your support.

Meet the Avett Brothers

I was introduced to the Avett Brothers by my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend... if you can follow me down this rabbit hole a minute... and their new album, "Emotionalism", is what saved me through the breakup. An irony not lost on me, for sure. During the most trying of nights, when I was first adjusting to sleeping alone, I would turn on my i-pod and put on my headphones. As corny as it is they would sing me to sleep as I shook uncontrollably, crying into my pillow. That was the only way I could fall asleep. Well, that or I had to drink to the point of passing out. But that's a whole other blog entirely. Sometimes you hear a song that so perfectly describes your current mood or situation. You feel validated in your emotions. Not so much the loser anymore because you now know there is someone else that has felt this way... even if only long enough to write a song about it. For me it wasn't just one song but rather an entire album. Or nearly an entire album.

So I was pissing my pants when I heard that they were going to be at Slim's in SF. I procrastinated on buying tickets only long enough to feel anxious that they might be sold out and I may have lost my chance. But I didn't miss the boat. Last Saturday I saw them at Slim's. I went with a friend along with my ex-girlfriend and that very same boyfriend that first introduced me to their music. And it was great. I might just have crapped my pants... I mean I was so excited I don't know that I would have noticed if I had.

I don't normally get stupid over musicians or celebrities but their energy is intense and their music is fierce. They are currently one of my favorite live shows, and I've been to a few. Yes, they're that good.

I had a dream this morning

I woke very early this morning to a phone call from Jeannine, "Deanne is in labor." After I hung up the phone I looked at the time. It was 4:00 am. I fell back asleep and woke up again around 8:00. I felt really sick. My throat felt swollen shut, so I used a flashlight and looked into my mouth with the bathroom mirror. My tonsils are big and covered in white. So I went back to bed, and fell asleep.

I had a very strange dream. I can't remember most of it but I do remember holding open a door for a large group of women. But they didn't go through the door, they couldn't decide if they really wanted to go in. So I grew impatient and let the door close on them. They were offended so I left.

I then found myself in a small room with my sister and a rat cage. The cage was full of baby rats, their eyes still closed and no fur. Pinkies. But something was terribly wrong. The pinkies were stuck in the bars of the cage and most were dead. So I was trying to free them from their hanged perils. Some tore apart as I pulled on their cold bodies and I felt terribly sick. Luckily there was a toilet in front of me. I threw up. My sister laughed.

The phone rang again. This time it was the landlady. I was afraid I might really have to throw up, but I was fine. It was 10:00 so I got up to feed the cats and then went back to bed. I'm not sure if the phone call from Jeannine was real or just a dream.

In the morning

When my alarm goes off in the morning, before there's light outside my window, I will wake up. I will wake up the first time without hitting the snooze button. I can never do this. I think it's physically impossible, like licking your own elbow. But I go to sleep tonight with the best intentions of waking up when I know I should... because I want to.

I have often been feeling sad or lonely lately. As much is to be expected given the circumstances. After spending seven years sharing a bed, home, and life with someone, there's a certain chilling silence when that level of companionship is gone. You forget, in that time, what it is like to be alone. And when you are first faced with that empty silence you wonder if it might go on forever. And when it doesn't you feel such relief to have shared moments again. It becomes a drug you're jonesin' for and can't get enough of. I've done some stupid things recently to fill that addiction. Lucky for me I have a rather shallow "rock bottom". So I look at my reckless experiences as just that. Experiences in life... lessons learned about a reality I haven't had to face until very recently. I have learned that I am in control of myself, even when I feel I am spinning out of control. I know better, now, what it is that I want. And although wants are not static, and my mind changes on a daily basis, my wants are my own and I should do whatever I need to achieve them... short of hurting someone.

I want to share...

this made me smile. It's an excerpt from a book published at www.bearparade.com

HIKIKOMORI

< by ellen kennedy and tao lin >

dear tao


today i read a book called NATURAL SCIENCE.

it had a picture of two ants standing very close together.

above the picture it said ‘worker ants communicate by rubbing their antennae.’

i wanted to communicate with you by rubbing our heads together but you weren't here so i rubbed my head against the wall instead and the wall said ‘i'm sad.’

my eyes made 3 tears and i pet the wall until we both fell asleep.


ellen

let go

So I've failed to maintain this blog, much like I have failed at maintaining nearly anything in my life. It's just sort'a what I do. I spent most of my adulthood maintaining for someone else. Sadly my self-worth has always been quite low, so it was welcome having a beautiful girlfriend to care for. Now that we are no longer together (oh, wait, am I getting ahead of myself?) It's just me and my kitty. And although I love Tyler very much, he's a cat with few needs and expectations. So that leaves me... or it leaves me searching for another lovely individual to fill that purpose. Let's hope not.

So Jeannine and I broke up back in December. After 7 years in a relationship, it wasn't an easy thing to do. I always saw us staying together through anything and everything. But it just wasn't the case. Several months later, now we are still very close and good friends. All is well in our home of crazy triangles and missed connections. I can't really complain... although I still find myself feeling terribly lonely some nights.

And here is where my recent behaviors are revealed. I've spent the last few months bar hopping and slowly forgetting who I am and what is most important to me in this life. I've been drowning in a very superficial culture where all that matters are the clothes you wear, the people you know, the music you listen to, and whether or not you are still standing by the end of a drunken night. Again, not really complaining, I've had a fucking amazing time drinking, flirting, meeting new faces (over and over again... I swear I'll remember your name the next time I slur hello at you.), getting trashed, hashed, played, and fucked. Some moments make me hot just thinking about them while others I'd like to smash out of my skull. Ultimately, however, I lost my focus on what life really is. I quickly let my desire for self gratification get the better of me, and now it's time to refocus. Shit, I'm returning to school in a few short months. I have to pull it together. These next few years may shape the very essence of the rest of my life. And although I wouldn't mind having parties, good times, and great sex, being a part of that life, it can't remain so all consuming. Grow up already, Anni!