002

Getting what you want
comes easy, when you're easy
Keeping it and holding tight
presents the true challenge

A cyclical dance
proceeds
I strut
seemingly ambivalent
You notice and advance

You challenge me
I beat you
in a game of pool
and you take it in stride
Paying me compliments
and for my drinks

You touch my arm
tracing your fingers along
the seagoat caught in waves
I let you grab my calf
and your hand slides under
my skirt

I know I want to
Take you home
But tomorrow will be
the same dance
with a different person

Getting what you want
is not so easy

Time to return

I've been away too long. Not physically gone. My mentality, and self-gratifying behaviors, have kept me far away from the person that I am. I haven't been myself at all recently and it has to stop. After going through my break-up with Jeannine I was forced to sit with myself and realize some hard truths that I hadn't yet acknowledged. We were kids when we first got together, and we grew into adults together. During that time I spent most of my time doing things for others. Specifically I cared and nurtured Jeannine and completely neglected myself. And now being alone has made me realize that I cannot stand being by myself. I can't sit in an empty house. I loose all motivation, I hate myself, and I spiral into a mind-frame where I think I am worthless. I know I'm better than that, but I have a hard time seeing myself as anything better. It's like you can understand
that chocolate tastes good but you can't really know it until you've tasted it. I haven't tasted it yet.

So I started going out every night to avoid being with my thoughts. In going out I started receiving attention from men. Something I had never experienced. In their attraction to me for that moment I felt attractive. I don't think of myself as an attractive or desirable person so the advances made me feel good and I didn't know what to do with myself. I still don't, but I do know that giving in to those temptations and having sex knowing it was unlikely to be leading to anything more meaningful was much more harmful to myself (and now I realize, to others) and I can't keep down this path. I've been self-destructive, and careless with the people that lay in my path. I never want to hurt anyone. I'm not that vindictive or selfish girl. But I have been selfish recently. I've been in a very strange place. I have done things I never thought I would do. And I lost myself in the process.

But I want to repair the damage. The damage in myself and any damage done to people around me that I care deeply about. I will be awol for a bit. I need to gather myself together and mend my mind. I'm a mess, and there's so much cleaning to be done. I've made a real mess of things recently. I'm sorry.

Pics from Back Room Live @ Pegasus

I went to see some friends and acquaintances read their poetry at Pegasus on Shattuck in Berkeley. I am always apprehensive going to things like this. I don't know a lot about poetry, only how it makes me feel. Will I like it? If I don't, how honest should I be. I would want to know if someone didn't like my work but I'm learning that my penchant for honesty confuses other people. So just because I would want to know something does not make me immediately think that another would appreciate the same. Lucky for me, after shaking some nerves and insecurities about being an impostor at a poetry reading, I found it to be a really fun event. The readings were touching, funny, offensive, charmed, and emotional. There really aren't enough adjectives to describe it, which is why there are poems in the first place. I took some pictures during the readings. The lighting, however, was terrible. So I slowed the shutter, set the ISO to 800, steadied my aim, focused and fired. So I apologize for any blur or graininess in these images. But overall the lighting is romantic and befitting a poetry reading. I uploaded the images to my flickr page... so rather than uploading them to multiple places online if you care to view the pictures go to http://www.flickr.com/photos/makeascenephotography/

feel free to download the images and use them any way you would like. especially if you were one of the readers. If you don't care for the images I won't be offended either.

# 001

Whisky spilled on chester drawers
sickly sweet
noxiously fragrant
greasy hand-prints mar the wall
and blood stains the sheets in
angry smears

reckless passions made evident
with condoms discarded on the floor
kicked under the bed
and forgotten
until ants begin to swarm.

An ode to my new favorite comic artist

I first found Adam "apelad" Koford on flickr while doing a search for graphic artists. I saw right away that he had quite the following and I immediately jumped on that hobo train. I fell in love with his hobo-kittehs and check back constantly with his blog, hobotopia, for any new work. But there tends to be more activity on his flickr account, where his fans (who at times seem more like a family) are free to comment back and forth with him about the catoon.

This is just one example:



And you can catch the controversy surrounding these cartoons here

Stop licking the turtles (warning: read no further if you are easily offended or are made to feel oogie when reading about vomit or bile, 'nough said)

That was the advice a good friend gave me today. I am suffering day five of what appears to be food poisoning. Most cases of food poisoning tend to clear up within 48 hours. Projectile vomiting ceased on day three but the bowel cascades have endured well beyond the two day expectations and last night I actually dreamt of having a solid b.m. Oh, if it were only the truth.

I suspect it is salmonella poisoning due to the symptoms and the duration. My roomie, Dr. Victoria, diagnosed it as such and gave me the aforementioned advice. Apparently my favorite past-time of licking amphibians and reptiles is a health risk. Thus, it has to end. Seriously, though, she spent a year in Africa and worked with, and treated, children suffering from salmonella poisoning. I trust her opinion. She even sang me a song in French, to the tune of "Frère Jacques". Only this song is about diarrhea, and mixing together a treatment of water, sugar, and salt. The only word I recognized was sugar. Go figure. I love her bedside manner... if only I could get her to wear the nurse uniform. But I digress.

Really not much else to say. Other than I am sick of saltine crackers and sprite. Jeannine was a great friend and ran errands for me twice this week. First to get me saltines and sprite (and baby wipes, thank gawd), and then again for gatorade and other sustenance beyond soda crackers.

I won't say where I think I got salmonella. I like this place too much. But just beware, and be careful. Realize that you really can get sick anywhere, and from any type of food. I don't even eat chicken... but a salad might be prepared next to raw chicken. Enough, I'm tired.