Time to return

I've been away too long. Not physically gone. My mentality, and self-gratifying behaviors, have kept me far away from the person that I am. I haven't been myself at all recently and it has to stop. After going through my break-up with Jeannine I was forced to sit with myself and realize some hard truths that I hadn't yet acknowledged. We were kids when we first got together, and we grew into adults together. During that time I spent most of my time doing things for others. Specifically I cared and nurtured Jeannine and completely neglected myself. And now being alone has made me realize that I cannot stand being by myself. I can't sit in an empty house. I loose all motivation, I hate myself, and I spiral into a mind-frame where I think I am worthless. I know I'm better than that, but I have a hard time seeing myself as anything better. It's like you can understand
that chocolate tastes good but you can't really know it until you've tasted it. I haven't tasted it yet.

So I started going out every night to avoid being with my thoughts. In going out I started receiving attention from men. Something I had never experienced. In their attraction to me for that moment I felt attractive. I don't think of myself as an attractive or desirable person so the advances made me feel good and I didn't know what to do with myself. I still don't, but I do know that giving in to those temptations and having sex knowing it was unlikely to be leading to anything more meaningful was much more harmful to myself (and now I realize, to others) and I can't keep down this path. I've been self-destructive, and careless with the people that lay in my path. I never want to hurt anyone. I'm not that vindictive or selfish girl. But I have been selfish recently. I've been in a very strange place. I have done things I never thought I would do. And I lost myself in the process.

But I want to repair the damage. The damage in myself and any damage done to people around me that I care deeply about. I will be awol for a bit. I need to gather myself together and mend my mind. I'm a mess, and there's so much cleaning to be done. I've made a real mess of things recently. I'm sorry.