I want to share...

this made me smile. It's an excerpt from a book published at www.bearparade.com

HIKIKOMORI

< by ellen kennedy and tao lin >

dear tao


today i read a book called NATURAL SCIENCE.

it had a picture of two ants standing very close together.

above the picture it said ‘worker ants communicate by rubbing their antennae.’

i wanted to communicate with you by rubbing our heads together but you weren't here so i rubbed my head against the wall instead and the wall said ‘i'm sad.’

my eyes made 3 tears and i pet the wall until we both fell asleep.


ellen

let go

So I've failed to maintain this blog, much like I have failed at maintaining nearly anything in my life. It's just sort'a what I do. I spent most of my adulthood maintaining for someone else. Sadly my self-worth has always been quite low, so it was welcome having a beautiful girlfriend to care for. Now that we are no longer together (oh, wait, am I getting ahead of myself?) It's just me and my kitty. And although I love Tyler very much, he's a cat with few needs and expectations. So that leaves me... or it leaves me searching for another lovely individual to fill that purpose. Let's hope not.

So Jeannine and I broke up back in December. After 7 years in a relationship, it wasn't an easy thing to do. I always saw us staying together through anything and everything. But it just wasn't the case. Several months later, now we are still very close and good friends. All is well in our home of crazy triangles and missed connections. I can't really complain... although I still find myself feeling terribly lonely some nights.

And here is where my recent behaviors are revealed. I've spent the last few months bar hopping and slowly forgetting who I am and what is most important to me in this life. I've been drowning in a very superficial culture where all that matters are the clothes you wear, the people you know, the music you listen to, and whether or not you are still standing by the end of a drunken night. Again, not really complaining, I've had a fucking amazing time drinking, flirting, meeting new faces (over and over again... I swear I'll remember your name the next time I slur hello at you.), getting trashed, hashed, played, and fucked. Some moments make me hot just thinking about them while others I'd like to smash out of my skull. Ultimately, however, I lost my focus on what life really is. I quickly let my desire for self gratification get the better of me, and now it's time to refocus. Shit, I'm returning to school in a few short months. I have to pull it together. These next few years may shape the very essence of the rest of my life. And although I wouldn't mind having parties, good times, and great sex, being a part of that life, it can't remain so all consuming. Grow up already, Anni!