That's how I roll

It would appear that Madonna and I have similar methods for cleaning...



Madonna's actual message to youtube (makes the above video much funnier):



"4 Minutes" music video:

Lithium Picnic

Years ago I came across this alternative pin-up/porn site that featured women rockin' the tats and body mods. I thought it was the best thing since swing-sets. And then I learned about the creator's business practices and how the women and photographers were being held to outrageous contracts. I quickly realized that I have a hard time enjoying sexy pictures of naked girls that are being treated poorly by the people that are posting those pictures. I felt oogie and dirty and angry about the whole scene.

One of the photographers that was being professionally raped is Lithium Picnic. He was the best photographer on the site (I won't link or mention the actual site because I don't want to send any traffic to them... if you are curious, you're on the internet, figure it out).

His wife Apnea was a model for the site for a long time and left before the outrageous contracts were implemented. She created her own alt site and, being her husband, Lithium Picnic helped her to set up the site. This quickly led to his being forced off the other site and he is now being sued for a breach in contract. Now there's a movement in support of both Lithium Picnic and Apnea. I say, everyone should jump on that train. Visit their sites, enjoy their work, and if at all possible give them your support.

Meet the Avett Brothers

I was introduced to the Avett Brothers by my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend... if you can follow me down this rabbit hole a minute... and their new album, "Emotionalism", is what saved me through the breakup. An irony not lost on me, for sure. During the most trying of nights, when I was first adjusting to sleeping alone, I would turn on my i-pod and put on my headphones. As corny as it is they would sing me to sleep as I shook uncontrollably, crying into my pillow. That was the only way I could fall asleep. Well, that or I had to drink to the point of passing out. But that's a whole other blog entirely. Sometimes you hear a song that so perfectly describes your current mood or situation. You feel validated in your emotions. Not so much the loser anymore because you now know there is someone else that has felt this way... even if only long enough to write a song about it. For me it wasn't just one song but rather an entire album. Or nearly an entire album.

So I was pissing my pants when I heard that they were going to be at Slim's in SF. I procrastinated on buying tickets only long enough to feel anxious that they might be sold out and I may have lost my chance. But I didn't miss the boat. Last Saturday I saw them at Slim's. I went with a friend along with my ex-girlfriend and that very same boyfriend that first introduced me to their music. And it was great. I might just have crapped my pants... I mean I was so excited I don't know that I would have noticed if I had.

I don't normally get stupid over musicians or celebrities but their energy is intense and their music is fierce. They are currently one of my favorite live shows, and I've been to a few. Yes, they're that good.

I had a dream this morning

I woke very early this morning to a phone call from Jeannine, "Deanne is in labor." After I hung up the phone I looked at the time. It was 4:00 am. I fell back asleep and woke up again around 8:00. I felt really sick. My throat felt swollen shut, so I used a flashlight and looked into my mouth with the bathroom mirror. My tonsils are big and covered in white. So I went back to bed, and fell asleep.

I had a very strange dream. I can't remember most of it but I do remember holding open a door for a large group of women. But they didn't go through the door, they couldn't decide if they really wanted to go in. So I grew impatient and let the door close on them. They were offended so I left.

I then found myself in a small room with my sister and a rat cage. The cage was full of baby rats, their eyes still closed and no fur. Pinkies. But something was terribly wrong. The pinkies were stuck in the bars of the cage and most were dead. So I was trying to free them from their hanged perils. Some tore apart as I pulled on their cold bodies and I felt terribly sick. Luckily there was a toilet in front of me. I threw up. My sister laughed.

The phone rang again. This time it was the landlady. I was afraid I might really have to throw up, but I was fine. It was 10:00 so I got up to feed the cats and then went back to bed. I'm not sure if the phone call from Jeannine was real or just a dream.

In the morning

When my alarm goes off in the morning, before there's light outside my window, I will wake up. I will wake up the first time without hitting the snooze button. I can never do this. I think it's physically impossible, like licking your own elbow. But I go to sleep tonight with the best intentions of waking up when I know I should... because I want to.

I have often been feeling sad or lonely lately. As much is to be expected given the circumstances. After spending seven years sharing a bed, home, and life with someone, there's a certain chilling silence when that level of companionship is gone. You forget, in that time, what it is like to be alone. And when you are first faced with that empty silence you wonder if it might go on forever. And when it doesn't you feel such relief to have shared moments again. It becomes a drug you're jonesin' for and can't get enough of. I've done some stupid things recently to fill that addiction. Lucky for me I have a rather shallow "rock bottom". So I look at my reckless experiences as just that. Experiences in life... lessons learned about a reality I haven't had to face until very recently. I have learned that I am in control of myself, even when I feel I am spinning out of control. I know better, now, what it is that I want. And although wants are not static, and my mind changes on a daily basis, my wants are my own and I should do whatever I need to achieve them... short of hurting someone.