In the morning

When my alarm goes off in the morning, before there's light outside my window, I will wake up. I will wake up the first time without hitting the snooze button. I can never do this. I think it's physically impossible, like licking your own elbow. But I go to sleep tonight with the best intentions of waking up when I know I should... because I want to.

I have often been feeling sad or lonely lately. As much is to be expected given the circumstances. After spending seven years sharing a bed, home, and life with someone, there's a certain chilling silence when that level of companionship is gone. You forget, in that time, what it is like to be alone. And when you are first faced with that empty silence you wonder if it might go on forever. And when it doesn't you feel such relief to have shared moments again. It becomes a drug you're jonesin' for and can't get enough of. I've done some stupid things recently to fill that addiction. Lucky for me I have a rather shallow "rock bottom". So I look at my reckless experiences as just that. Experiences in life... lessons learned about a reality I haven't had to face until very recently. I have learned that I am in control of myself, even when I feel I am spinning out of control. I know better, now, what it is that I want. And although wants are not static, and my mind changes on a daily basis, my wants are my own and I should do whatever I need to achieve them... short of hurting someone.