cold and waiting

I am sitting outside at San Francisco State University waiting for my 1:30 doctors appointment. Waiting to have confirmed what I already know. Waiting is only made worse by the chill outside. I want to scream and cry. Pull at my flesh and hug the pain away from the hole that is emptying within me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have loved ones around me. People that I know are here for me at times like this. Thank you, I love you.

Meet the Avett Brothers

I was introduced to the Avett Brothers by my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend... if you can follow me down this rabbit hole a minute... and their new album, "Emotionalism", is what saved me through the breakup. An irony not lost on me, for sure. During the most trying of nights, when I was first adjusting to sleeping alone, I would turn on my i-pod and put on my headphones. As corny as it is they would sing me to sleep as I shook uncontrollably, crying into my pillow. That was the only way I could fall asleep. Well, that or I had to drink to the point of passing out. But that's a whole other blog entirely. Sometimes you hear a song that so perfectly describes your current mood or situation. You feel validated in your emotions. Not so much the loser anymore because you now know there is someone else that has felt this way... even if only long enough to write a song about it. For me it wasn't just one song but rather an entire album. Or nearly an entire album.

So I was pissing my pants when I heard that they were going to be at Slim's in SF. I procrastinated on buying tickets only long enough to feel anxious that they might be sold out and I may have lost my chance. But I didn't miss the boat. Last Saturday I saw them at Slim's. I went with a friend along with my ex-girlfriend and that very same boyfriend that first introduced me to their music. And it was great. I might just have crapped my pants... I mean I was so excited I don't know that I would have noticed if I had.

I don't normally get stupid over musicians or celebrities but their energy is intense and their music is fierce. They are currently one of my favorite live shows, and I've been to a few. Yes, they're that good.

In the morning

When my alarm goes off in the morning, before there's light outside my window, I will wake up. I will wake up the first time without hitting the snooze button. I can never do this. I think it's physically impossible, like licking your own elbow. But I go to sleep tonight with the best intentions of waking up when I know I should... because I want to.

I have often been feeling sad or lonely lately. As much is to be expected given the circumstances. After spending seven years sharing a bed, home, and life with someone, there's a certain chilling silence when that level of companionship is gone. You forget, in that time, what it is like to be alone. And when you are first faced with that empty silence you wonder if it might go on forever. And when it doesn't you feel such relief to have shared moments again. It becomes a drug you're jonesin' for and can't get enough of. I've done some stupid things recently to fill that addiction. Lucky for me I have a rather shallow "rock bottom". So I look at my reckless experiences as just that. Experiences in life... lessons learned about a reality I haven't had to face until very recently. I have learned that I am in control of myself, even when I feel I am spinning out of control. I know better, now, what it is that I want. And although wants are not static, and my mind changes on a daily basis, my wants are my own and I should do whatever I need to achieve them... short of hurting someone.

let go

So I've failed to maintain this blog, much like I have failed at maintaining nearly anything in my life. It's just sort'a what I do. I spent most of my adulthood maintaining for someone else. Sadly my self-worth has always been quite low, so it was welcome having a beautiful girlfriend to care for. Now that we are no longer together (oh, wait, am I getting ahead of myself?) It's just me and my kitty. And although I love Tyler very much, he's a cat with few needs and expectations. So that leaves me... or it leaves me searching for another lovely individual to fill that purpose. Let's hope not.

So Jeannine and I broke up back in December. After 7 years in a relationship, it wasn't an easy thing to do. I always saw us staying together through anything and everything. But it just wasn't the case. Several months later, now we are still very close and good friends. All is well in our home of crazy triangles and missed connections. I can't really complain... although I still find myself feeling terribly lonely some nights.

And here is where my recent behaviors are revealed. I've spent the last few months bar hopping and slowly forgetting who I am and what is most important to me in this life. I've been drowning in a very superficial culture where all that matters are the clothes you wear, the people you know, the music you listen to, and whether or not you are still standing by the end of a drunken night. Again, not really complaining, I've had a fucking amazing time drinking, flirting, meeting new faces (over and over again... I swear I'll remember your name the next time I slur hello at you.), getting trashed, hashed, played, and fucked. Some moments make me hot just thinking about them while others I'd like to smash out of my skull. Ultimately, however, I lost my focus on what life really is. I quickly let my desire for self gratification get the better of me, and now it's time to refocus. Shit, I'm returning to school in a few short months. I have to pull it together. These next few years may shape the very essence of the rest of my life. And although I wouldn't mind having parties, good times, and great sex, being a part of that life, it can't remain so all consuming. Grow up already, Anni!

Moving...a.k.a. there's no place like home

Here we go again. Jeannine and I lived in Berkeley for a couple of years... a couple of years ago. And now we are clicking our ruby slippers three times to return. We found a 2 bedroom house, which we shall share with our good friend Victoria. Our move in date is Saturday the 10th. I can't wait.

Living in a small town, uber-suburb, like Livermore can be like a tiger pacing the perimeter of it's cage. I'm sick of tearing my teeth into the carcass of dead beasts thrown at me... I want to finally hunt life for myself. So, moving out currently holds meaning for me that embodies a new life. I intend to see a new existance unfold before me. A bit dramatic? Sure, but mind you I've been drinking.

I'm ready to grow and act childish and selfish. Friends, art, music, dancing, nightlife... all this and more will ensue. Fuck the shit that comes with a safe and secure existance in a quaint lil' suburban town. I revel in a neighborhood where I must keep on my toes to save my ass. This current safety has dulled me to an undesireable extreme. Shoot me violently in the head before I fall back into this malaise. I want a wild existance where the strong survive and devour the weak. Oh, and not to mention, let me be rid of a time where I occupy a residence shared by my parents. Oh the humanity, I must escape or soon parish. . . and on that note I shall leave you all (um all of you being no one...'cause no one is reading my blogs, besides my sweet darling) for a smoke before bed.

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